Korean Marriage and Monster-in-Law

Have you seen monster-in-law (monster + mother-in-law) in Korean dramas or movies? You must have seen them at least once, as many Korean dramas and movies cover stories of the monster-in-law. So is the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law that bad in real life?

Let's find out what marriage is like in Korea!

History of Korean Marriage 

Source: SBS

In the Joseon Dynasty, a wedding ceremony was held in the bride's parents house, and the newlywed couple stayed overnight. Afterwards, the bride would live in the groom's parent's house. This is what we call Sijipsali in Korean. Because they live together, the mother-in-law would require her daughter-in-law to do everything in her way.

But this was not always the case. Until the early Joseon Dynasty, the groom's would often live in the bride's house for several years. This resulted in children having a closer relationship with the relatives on the mother's side.

There are many cases where sisters-in-law are more difficult than mothers. Sisters-in-law generally have the image of being spiteful. The mother-in-law would openly criticize her, and sister-in-law pretends to care, but in reality, she talks behind her back.

Conflicts Between Mother-in-law and Daughter-in-law

Recently, one of the main reasons why Korean marriages end up in divorce is due to the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. The conflict with the mother-in-law is more significant than the conflict between the bride and groom. It's told that marriage in Korea is not between the two, but family to family.

Here are a few examples of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

1. Mother-in-law would scold her daughter-in-law for not preparing breakfast. When mother-in-law asks, "Did you have breakfast?" it's not because she is curious. She is checking whether the daughter-in-law prepared breakfast for her husband or not. Preparing breakfast is one of the biggest conflicts between mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law.

2. Few mothers-in-law don't like her daughter-in-law earning more money than their son. The mother-in-law would often say to her daughter-in-law, "You should concentrate more on your household chores.", or "You shouldn't look down on my son just because you making more money.". This kind of comment will disappear if she quits her job or moves to a less paying job than her husband. Ironically, daughter-in-law who has no job also gets scolded for not helping out financially.

3. When daughter-in-law doesn't know something, the mother-in-law would say, "You don't even know this? And when daughter-in-law knows too much, she would way "Don't try to teach me" or "Stop showing off" and get mad.

Source: MBC

4. Some mother-in-law doesn't appreciate her daughter-in-law's hard work, money, time, and devotion. For example, when a daughter-in-law treats her parents-in-law at a high-end restaurant, the mother-in-law would criticize her by saying, "Are we eating outside for your convenience?" Some mothers-in-law say, "Why are you spending your husband's hard-earned money on such things?" 

5. Mother-in-law urges the daughter-in-law to have a child quickly. Even if there is a problem on the husband's side, sometimes they blame it on her.

6. Conflict is at its highest at thanksgiving and lunar new year. In these holidays, the daughter-in-law has to go to parents-in-law's house and prepare the ancestral memorial rite. 

The daughter-in-law has to prepare all the food. In the Korean family, it is common for women in the family to prepare the food, while men chill and relax. And when they finish eating, it is the job of a daughter-in-law to do the washing up. 

Numerous mothers-in-law hate their sons working in the kitchen. If your husband helps you wash the dishes, some mothers-in-law would say, "I'd rather do the dishes myself than watch my son do it.". The daughters-in-law cannot let her mother-in-law do the dishes and ends up washing the dishes all by herself. 

Because of these reasons, some daughter-in-law asks her husband for a divorce. According to the court, the number of applications for divorce right after the holidays is almost double.

Understanding Conflicts Between Daughter-in-law and Mother-in-law

The main reason for the conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is the vertical relationship. Mother-in-law is the boss, and her daughter-in-law is the subordinate. 

If your boss says something, this has to be done, whether you like it or not. The same rule applies to the relationship between mother and daughter-in-law. When mother-in-law demands the daughter for a difficult task, it should be done without questions. 

From mother-in-law's point of view, when she was a daughter-in-law, she had to deal with these kinds of unfair treatments and difficulties. She feels her daughter-in-law should deal with it without complaining. 

In recent years, women's human rights have risen a lot in Korea, and the daughter-in-law would reject the demand if it's unreasonable. Therefore, the conflict between old and new values is inevitable.

Source: haek6415.blog.me/

Another reason for these kinds of conflicts is the patriarchal system of Korean society. The mother-in-law feels as if her son is being taken away by her daughter-in-law. Sons used to be the only means for a mother to be socially recognized in a patriarchal society. 

Since Koreans have Confucianism background, it was important for men to carry the family and perform the ancestral memorial rite. Therefore, in Korean society, women want a son rather than a daughter.

Daughter-in-law used to get praised from mother-in-law when she gave birth to a boy and scolded for having a girl. However, that has changed in recent years. It is more popular to give birth to a girl as girls are more caring for their parents as they get older. But old-fashioned mother-in-law still wants her grandson.

Daughter-in-law and Mother-in-law Relationship is Getting Better

The atmosphere in Korea has changed a lot recently. The rights of Korean women have enormously improved, and women are standing against gender discrimination and injustice. The patriarchy system has disappeared a lot, and daughter-in-law is no longer subordinate to their mother-in-law. 

So recently, the mother-in-law try to avoid becoming a monster-in-law anymore as they want to have a friendly relationship.

Source: lovewar.tistory.com

The conflict between mother and daughter-in-law gives stress to the husband. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law clash, the husband is in a tight spot. It is difficult to stop his mother or tell the wife to listen. 

If he takes his mother's side, he will be hated by his wife, and if he takes his wife's side, his mother will be disappointed. Recently husbands are telling their mother to stop excessive interference in his marriage. Speaking firmly to their mother and standing up as a man of the house.

Recently, conflict between husbands and his mother-in-law started to occur. The number of mothers-in-law looking after grandchildren has increased over the years. Naturally, the husband encounters his mother-in-law more frequently. 

Also, mothers have a mindset of "My daughter should not be treated like me, back in my days.", so she starts to argue with her son-in-law, demanding a lot from him in the house chores. Situations like this were impossible years ago, but they are becoming more prevalent.

These conflicts will and already starting to disappear. Those who are currently married will still have conflicts like these, but as time passes, it will go away as the Korean society changes.

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